Rough Day

I feel so defeated today. I feel like my body is failing me. I miss being pregnant. I miss my angel baby. I can't believe its been 10 days since we said goodbye and 12 days since we found out our baby passed.

Unless you have been there it, its something you can't understand. I never did....
How can you tell someone it will be ok after they have lost a child? "everything happens for a reason" just doesn't cut it when you want to know what happened to your baby and why. People telling me basically that everything is ok because we have two healthy boys doesn't help either..it only hurts.

I went to "sleep" pregnant and woke up after a 10? minute surgery NOT pregnant. I have had a reminder every day of what happened... no I never felt our baby and I will never know what the babys gender was but as soon as I saw that positive test I loved that baby and wanted it.

Just because I have 2 boys doesn't mean I don't want a sibling for them. Another baby to love. My husband and I created a baby, a life, because we love each other so much...that love created a human! I saw the heart beat, I saw the baby moving inside me even though it was to small yet to feel...it was a BABY and I wanted it!

Sometimes I feel like completely shutting myself away from the outside world. No facebook. No texting. No phone calls. No internet..just my boys, husband and our every day lives...it would save me from the hurtful things people say even though they are completely unaware..like I said, something you can only understand once you have been through it...

My husband is at work...I just want held..I feel like we have been so distant lately since he has been working so much (which I think its his way of coping) and I feel like we are scared to really touch or hold one another infear of upsetting the other one. I miss being close to my husband....I feel like I have punished my boys because I am depressed. I just go through the motions day by day but I am not really there. I get angry so fast, I yell, I feel so out of control... I know I am trying to sort it all out..my hormones are so jacked up from the miscarriage and I know its not THEIR fault...and I never ever want to take it out on them...I am just so mad at the world right now. I ask myself WHY US all the time...but its not healthy to think that way.

I just keep telling myself that healthy babies don't just die...there was something wrong and its better to happen when it did then to have a still born or the baby pass a few minutes/hours/days/weeks/months after birth....It will all work out in the end I know it will...its just hard to see any positives in loosing our baby!

"I didn’t get to feel you kick, or look into your eyes. I didn’t hold you in my arms, or hear your little cry. I didn’t get to see your smile, or even know your name. But, you’ll always be my baby and I love you just the same♥"