Empty

I feel so empty inside today. Its been 1 week since we said goodbye to our baby and its been really hard on me not to break down and cry. Today at Walmart while grocery shopping I saw a very pregnant woman shopping for baby supplies and I got so down... Here it is, almost March...I was due in August and now I sit here not even pregnant. We lost our baby... I wonder so much about how the baby would of looked, what gender it was.... and now wonder what really happened? Was there something I could of done to prevent this miscarriage?? My doctors appointment is next week and I really hope I can get some answers...I know he won't be able to tell me what exactly happened...and why but I just...I need closure??

I would be 13 weeks 1 day...and now I am 1 week post d&c surgery... I never thought this could happen to me...that we would have to deal with this heartache and pain because honestly my boys were perfect pregnancies...I guess since my mom never had a issue being pregnant I didn't think I would be..... I know in the end this is only going to strengthen who I am, my marriage and that we will never take for granted the boys and their health...once I do get pregnant again I am going to need something to keep me from worrying if the baby has passed on.... 3 weeks I carried a baby that I thought was alive....knowing this makes me ill.

After I found out that the baby had passed I hated my stomach...I mean I barely had a bump and thats one of the major reasons why I thought something was wrong but the little bump I did have I hated...I hated seeing it, rubbing it....I just hated the reminder of it all. Now my heart aches.... I just don't feel...myself...or whole. I can't really describe it and I truly think its something no one will understand unless they have been through it but let me tell ya...it sucks!

My blog is not popular by any means...heck I don't even know how to get it out there for people to see but its more for me....I need a place to put my thoughts and feelings and know I won't get judged...I need to type all this out so I don't keep it in...one day I will be holding a brand new baby...our brand new baby and I will thank our angel baby for watching over our brand new baby....and I know once we finally do hold our newborn it will be an experience that we will cherish and never forget...holding your baby for the first time ever is emotionally enough but I think since our loss...its going to be...mind blowing. I can't wait...I can't wait to try again..for a positive pregnancy test...to hear the heart beat, see the baby on the ultrasound screen for the first time...then eventually hold our baby...I long for this....we have never had a problem getting pregnant...all 3 times we got pregnant our first month of trying..well I guess our angel baby we didnt really try for per say but we knew we wanted to get pregnant sooner than later...so I hope we don't have any problems again.....because I think getting pregnant again is going to heal me and help me deal with all this......

atleast I hope so.