A better day

Saturday & Sunday was the hardest days yet and I believe its because everything happened so fast it had finally set in what had accured. I have a really hard time with this because I saw the baby, we saw a heart beat of 167 at 7 weeks, 6 days and then about a week later the baby passed away...however, we didn't learn of it until I was 11 weeks, 6 days along.

I find myself wondering what the baby would of looked like, what gender the baby was and how much I really just wanted to hold the baby in August but deep down I knew for awhile something wasn't right with the baby. My morning sickness just disappeared, my belly wasn't growing and I didn't feel pregnant anymore. Something just kept nagging at me that at my next appointment (was scheduled for tomorrow, my 28th birthday) there wasn't going to be a heartbeat. I told a few people of this feeling and they told me I was just being paranoid pretty much but it was just a feeling I could not shake.

I am so grateful to the 2 healthy boys I have now and I find myself looking at them differently now. I always knew they were miracles but now..its different. They are more than that...and now that have a guardian angel looking over them..their brother or sister that my husband and I made out of love. I realize I was "only" pregnant for 12 weeks but I loved that baby...I never felt it move or kick (which I am so thankful for) but I listened to his heartbeat..I fell in love the moment I saw my positive tests! My husband and I have 3 kids...however just not in the way we wanted..and thats ok because I know in my heart that something was wrong with the baby and not knowing what kind of life it would of had if it made it full term makes the loss easier...healthy babies don't just pass away...

My husband and I have decide we will try as soon as my body allows it and we get the OK from my doctor. I am going to focus on the fact that we have 2 kids and therefore I can have a healthy pregnancy...this loss is something we will never forget nor are we ever going to try to replace the baby we lost...but I know in my heart we can have a healthy full term pregnancy and I will put all my strength into making a healthy baby.

This is just a another bump in the road...and god knows we have had some huge bumps to overcome but all this pain and tears will be worth it..once we are holding our new baby!