Its been a week...

Its been a week since my world came crashing down around my feet, again!

I can't even believe this has happened to us again...and not only that my Aunt passed away May 31st...just days after our baby angel grew wings. Its been a week from hell to say the least...I lost a baby and someone who was like a mom to me. I did get to tell her goodbye, that I love her and to take care of my 2 babies in heaven until I can...Monday is her funeral and I just don't know if I am ready for that yet. Granted I already said goodbye but this is the final goodbye to someone who always understood me and was there for me when my own mother wasn't. Its going to be so hard to keep it together...my boys will be there and they just won't understand what is going on at 3 and 1 yrs old..mommys got to hold it together infront of them.

We are taking 6 month off so it looks like December/January we will be trying again. My Dr said it was "more for me then my body" but Matt and I had already agree'd to 3 months off...so since I miscarried in May November should be my last AF before we TTC again but I am going to ask my High Risk OB in July what they recommend I do since these Drs will be tending to my pregnancy and not my current OB. I hope to get some labs drawn to test my GTT since I have PCOS, FSH, LSH, etc...I want to get a game plan ready for when I am pregnant so I know what I need to do and what they need to do. It sucks because its like a 45 minute drive away but if it gets me my healthy baby I am ALL for the drive.

I have a good feeling that this break and these drs will get us the baby we so long for...once December comes, instead of welcoming our baby or having a 4 month old baby we will be once again looking to the TTC journey. The boys will be 5 yrs old and 3 yrs old by the time we have another baby...so that should be easier on me since I stay home. I feel very alone right now...longing for a baby but having to wait 6+months to get one...and what if we miscarry AGAIN?!?! When is my husband going to say enough is enough??? I have been pregnant 4 times and only have 2 to show for it...granted I am SOOOO lucky to have my boys and with everything I have went through I look at them and know just the little miracles they are but I am not ready to say "ok enough is enough, no more, we are done"...and I don't want Matt to say that either if something else happens. My mom has already made her opinion very clear that if I miscarry again we just need to be done...that obviously we aren't meant for a 3rd baby but thats not her choice..its ours!! I know others are thinking the same thing..my grandmother told my dad that Tuesday when she found out I had lost another baby. Miscarriages happen... 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage...with odds like that I am just lucky it didn't happen before we was blessed with our boys.

I am not ready to give up..I want a baby so bad it hurts..even more so then it did last time because we have had 2 taken from us. I know for whatever reason something was not right with either me or those babies and the life they would of had wasn't going to be good either because of some fatal issue or just something that would of made their quality of life terrible so I am grateful that they were taken when they were. I know for a fact I couldn't handle a stillborn, a newborn passing days/weeks or months after birth or even having to deliver a baby that didn't make it...so I will take a loss at 9 weeks over that anyday... my faith, although I never was huge in it, has really been tested lately... I don't understand what I have done to deserve 2 babies taken from us...we want a baby so bad...we deserve a baby and our boys deserve to have a sibling so why can't we be given that?? I am not greedy..I just want one more baby and then I am DONE. Matt will get fixed..heck even I will...just give me one more baby to carry to term...one more to spoil and love..thats all we want and desire! I don't need a girl...I will be just as happy with another boy...just give me a chance!!

There are people out there that will never experience 1 child let alone a 3rd so I know how lucky I am for my 2 but I don't feel complete with our family...I can get pregnant..I just can't seem to carry a baby past 9 weeks anymore...ugh, it hurts so bad.