Its been a week...

Its been a week since my world came crashing down around my feet, again!

I can't even believe this has happened to us again...and not only that my Aunt passed away May 31st...just days after our baby angel grew wings. Its been a week from hell to say the least...I lost a baby and someone who was like a mom to me. I did get to tell her goodbye, that I love her and to take care of my 2 babies in heaven until I can...Monday is her funeral and I just don't know if I am ready for that yet. Granted I already said goodbye but this is the final goodbye to someone who always understood me and was there for me when my own mother wasn't. Its going to be so hard to keep it together...my boys will be there and they just won't understand what is going on at 3 and 1 yrs old..mommys got to hold it together infront of them.

We are taking 6 month off so it looks like December/January we will be trying again. My Dr said it was "more for me then my body" but Matt and I had already agree'd to 3 months off...so since I miscarried in May November should be my last AF before we TTC again but I am going to ask my High Risk OB in July what they recommend I do since these Drs will be tending to my pregnancy and not my current OB. I hope to get some labs drawn to test my GTT since I have PCOS, FSH, LSH, etc...I want to get a game plan ready for when I am pregnant so I know what I need to do and what they need to do. It sucks because its like a 45 minute drive away but if it gets me my healthy baby I am ALL for the drive.

I have a good feeling that this break and these drs will get us the baby we so long for...once December comes, instead of welcoming our baby or having a 4 month old baby we will be once again looking to the TTC journey. The boys will be 5 yrs old and 3 yrs old by the time we have another baby...so that should be easier on me since I stay home. I feel very alone right now...longing for a baby but having to wait 6+months to get one...and what if we miscarry AGAIN?!?! When is my husband going to say enough is enough??? I have been pregnant 4 times and only have 2 to show for it...granted I am SOOOO lucky to have my boys and with everything I have went through I look at them and know just the little miracles they are but I am not ready to say "ok enough is enough, no more, we are done"...and I don't want Matt to say that either if something else happens. My mom has already made her opinion very clear that if I miscarry again we just need to be done...that obviously we aren't meant for a 3rd baby but thats not her choice..its ours!! I know others are thinking the same thing..my grandmother told my dad that Tuesday when she found out I had lost another baby. Miscarriages happen... 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage...with odds like that I am just lucky it didn't happen before we was blessed with our boys.

I am not ready to give up..I want a baby so bad it hurts..even more so then it did last time because we have had 2 taken from us. I know for whatever reason something was not right with either me or those babies and the life they would of had wasn't going to be good either because of some fatal issue or just something that would of made their quality of life terrible so I am grateful that they were taken when they were. I know for a fact I couldn't handle a stillborn, a newborn passing days/weeks or months after birth or even having to deliver a baby that didn't make it...so I will take a loss at 9 weeks over that anyday... my faith, although I never was huge in it, has really been tested lately... I don't understand what I have done to deserve 2 babies taken from us...we want a baby so bad...we deserve a baby and our boys deserve to have a sibling so why can't we be given that?? I am not greedy..I just want one more baby and then I am DONE. Matt will get fixed..heck even I will...just give me one more baby to carry to term...one more to spoil and love..thats all we want and desire! I don't need a girl...I will be just as happy with another boy...just give me a chance!!

There are people out there that will never experience 1 child let alone a 3rd so I know how lucky I am for my 2 but I don't feel complete with our family...I can get pregnant..I just can't seem to carry a baby past 9 weeks anymore...ugh, it hurts so bad.

Lost Another Baby

Looks like the healthy and awesome ultrasound we had Thursday meant nothing as we just lost another baby...we found out last night in the ER after some spotting.

I see my Dr Tuesday...something isn't right after losing both babies at 9 weeks...

time for a break...

Amazing Appointment Today

Our baby is growing, strong heartbeat of 190 bpm and measuring exactly where the Dr thought I was...just a few days behind what I had but thats ok because the heartbeat was so strong and the baby looks great!! I am so excited and I can't wait to get through the next 4 weeks for another baby appointment and to be out of the 1st trimester!!! I have never wanted something so much in all of my life as I do this baby...thank you god for giving us such an amazing appointment today...

(I think this baby is a girl still... :) )

8 weeks, 1 day...Ultrasound...Thursday!

Wow I haven't updated for awhile.

Lets see... I am 8 weeks 1 day today. I feel good. Nausea is almost non-exsistent this time. I get it very rarely and not bad at all..NOTHING compared to the boys.

I have a VERY strong feeling this baby is a girl. I could be very wrong of course but everything is different this time. I am not showing like I was with my boys and last pregnancy (which I also thought was a boy)...I am not sick or nauseated...and there are other things...I don't care boy or girl let me just get that out there..I LOVE my boys with all my heart so another little boy would be just fine but its just a feeling I can't shake right now that this baby is a girl.

I had a ultrasound on May 11th (6w6d) and my dr's machine didn't measure the baby (didn't measure Graycen either at 6 weeks)...but my dr agree'd I was in my 6th week. We heard and saw the heart beat which was 111bpm which is completely normal for this time. I was a tad freaked out because I wanted to see a due date on the screen and know that the baby was measuring right on but after several web site searches for 6 weeks the baby should be 2-4mm CRL and ours was 4.9 mm. At 7 weeks they said the baby should measure 4-5mm CRL...and again ours was 4.9mm so right on track. So I felt a lot better.

I have been having terrible headaches almost daily....my boobs either itch, hurt, or tingle...they are busting out of my bra...today Matt called me stacked hahaha. My bloating seems to be getting under control but last week it was insane!!!

Anyway back on track. Thursday May 24th I have another u/s so I am praying all is well. I told Matt that I am to tired for anything to be wrong this time. I don't understand how I can be SO tired but not sleep at night..I get like insomnia...its very annoying.

6 weeks 1 day

Not much new to report. Shockingly I am not sick like I was at 6 weeks with the boys and my angel baby...but time will tell if I do get sick. Yesterday and today about 3pm I get so tired...instead of 5 or 6 its now 2:30-3pm...agh! Last night I was in bed at 8pm because I was just exhausted.

Friday is the big day....5 days until our ultrasound. From everything I have read online since my miscarriage was just a normal miscarriage the chances of this pregnancy making it is very good to excellent!!! Exactly what I want to hear... I just can't wait to see our baby...know its ok and growing on track..COME ON FRIDAY!

5 weeks 4 days

9 days..well technically less since its after 10:30am but anyway..9 days until our first ultrasound...I can't wait. I just want to see that babys heart beat and know that its growing on track!! I know reguardless if I had a miscarriage or not the first ultrasound is always so nervewrecking and waiting for it is literally worse than any two week wait I ever went through. I just can't wait til I am feeling this baby kick and move..I don't care how big I get or how much I puke...I just want a healthy baby in December!!!

In other news...our girl name is for sure without a doubt set...and boy name is almost set.. we need a middle name for our first name. We are so excited..I can't wait to show (which I dont think is far off since this is #4)

Showing already!?!

Is it because this is pregnancy #4?? Because I show early anyway? Because I was just pregnant in Feb?? I am not really sure but this..bump...bloating or whatever it may be is nuts! I know its not the baby...the baby is only the size of a pumpkin seed/sweet pea!!

I can't believe this! :)